Judles is on His Tummy...

The other night I walked into the my boys room to check on them before heading to bed. I noticed Judles had rolled over and was on his tummy... In the past that was no big deal and to be honest I NEVER believed tummy sleeping and SIDS had any connection whatsoever. Many of you may be wondering how we put Lincoln down that night... It's crazy because all my other kids were tummy sleepers, but when the twins were born and high risk no less, I compromised and decided to make them side sleepers. Well, I won't go into great detail about how Lincoln ended up ON his tummy that night, but that's the fact, he was on his tummy for like the 10th time in his entire life. We have come to terms with the fact that no matter how he was sleeping, it was his time to go. If it wasn't SIDS, maybe a car accident, if it wasn't IN his bed ON his tummy maybe in our arms during a nap...?
Sovereignty in the past was just another one of those Bible terms that I forgot the meaning of all the time. It never meant anything to me in a personal way. After one tragedy this word sovereignty suddenly means SO MUCH! It is comfort and peace to a breaking heart! Knowing that God is bigger than us, He's all-knowing, and He has a plan (even if we can't see it) - makes us realize how small we are. Who are we to think that we could have changed the outcome of July 2? We are thankful for the burden that is lifted by our understanding of God's sovereignty!
... so, after checking on the boys and realizing Judles had rolled over I walked in to my husband and said in a worried tone, "Judles rolled over. Do you think he will be okay?" He was still sick with his cold and was actually sleeping good so we hated to roll him over and wake him up. Honestly, my hubby and I still aren't sold on the tummy sleeping/SIDS thing, BUT now we're paranoid. Now even though we don't buy it our babies will be bound to their backs or sides. Anyway after great deliberation we decided to roll him over, is that lame?


There was a time when Brains (just through listening to conversation I'm guessing) was fearful of Judles being on his tummy. She jumped up once, proclaiming, "Judles rolled over, I don't want him to die too!" Smart girl to "sort of" piece things together the way she did, but we explained to her that it's okay for Judles to be on his tummy, being on his tummy is not going to make him die. She understands that now, but there are so many things that you don't even realize your children are taking in. It's not hard to correct, but realizing it's there isn't always obvious.
I LOVE our pediatrician and won't go anywhere else, unless forced to because of his retirement one day, though he has assured me that he isn't planning to retire any time soon. But, IF that day comes, a sad day it will be... He asks me at every appointment how we are doing, in fact, a day or two after we lost Linc he called and talked to me for like 20 minutes. He told me that had they revived Lincoln, he may have lived another 3 weeks hooked up to machines, and then died. He said most of the time if a SIDS baby is revived they still end up dying - that was reassuring too, because even though we know God is sovereign, we had to wonder if 15 minutes would have made a difference... This doctor's professional opinion really helped. Anyway, I LOVE our kids' doctor - I think I made that clear, right? One thing he has often told me is to tell our kids as little as possible, a "need to know" basis. I'll just say that if you experience something like this, don't leave your kids out. Don't try to cover things up and hide reality. They need to know what is going on. We were so busy the first several days that we didn't have a chance to sit down and talk to our girls and really they weren't doing so well. We knew we needed to make them a priority and let them know what was going on, after a little talk they both seemed so much better off. We didn't force anything, but we didn't hide anything either. They saw Lincoln in his casket, they touched him, and they were totally comfortable with it all. It wasn't a scary thing to them because we didn't make it a scary thing. Of course a LOT of reminders of where Lincoln is and how if we trust that Jesus died on the cross for our sins, one day we can see him again, that helps too! That makes them happy:o) Hopefully one day (praying that all of our kids make this decision personally) we can have a big family reunion in Heaven. Such a special thought! Our home is different... our kids are comfortable with death and graveyards, they are mature (excluding Smiles who doesn't understand all this) in their understanding of losing someone. It's a strange thing (to some) to have picnic's and games at the graveyard, to hang a Christmas stocking up for someone who isn't here, to talk about death so freely with your children and have them long for heaven so they can see their baby brother... but not in this home, it's not strange at all. It's normal... our NEW normal.

Silly Questions

Brains asked me in the car, "What is the bone in a dog bone?" Inquisitive mind with questions I NEVER thought twice about as a child! A couple of days later she asks, "Are there cat bones too?"

We listen to kids songs quite often in the car and the kids love it. The other day Brains was singing along to a song - "Noah, he built him, he built him an arky, arky. Noah he built him, he built him an arky, arky, built it out of gopher barky, barky, children of the Lord." Brains asks in a concerned voice, "Mommy, what's barky barky children?" I'm like, "What are you talking about?" She says, "Well they built the ark out of barky barky children... what's that?" I laughed, "Brains:o) It's barky barky - like wood, and then CHILDREN OF THE LORD." She says, "Ooooh."

As we were approaching an elevator Curly says, "Are we getting in the alligator?"

Curly randomly starts complaining about bugs on her feet: tickling them, bothering them, or whatever. I'm always like, "Yeah, yeah, that's nice. There aren't any bugs so calm down." The other day Brains informed that her foot had fallen asleep, then she proceeded to tell me that when Curly complains of bugs and her feet in the car it's because her foot fell asleep. DUH, makes perfect sense! Funny that my 6 year old is the one that had to tell me that and funny description for a sleeping foot!

Laura Story

My husband heard this song on the radio called Blessings by Laura Story, one day while driving, and decided he really liked it. At that time we going through the NICU/PICU situation with the twins, we had the carbon monoxide leak in our heater, our air conditioner was broken and our basement flooded. He thought, "Wow this song really applies to our lives right now!" He talked to me about singing it for church sometime and we thought that was a really good idea. One small example of a mercy in disguise like Laura sings about in this song is the fact that while we were running our heater with the huge cracks in it, the twins were both in the PICU recovering from RSV. We realized that their being at the hospital was probably a good thing since our room (where the boys were sleeping) was the room above our furnace. Anyway we grew to really like this song, then we lost Linc and decided we would probably never sing it for church after all, but we did use it for his slide show and had it sung at his funeral, by a very dear friend. Well Laura Story had a concert this past weekend that my husband and I really wanted to go to, but the tickets sold out so quickly that we missed our opportunity, that is until my cousin texted me the day of the concert to ask if I wanted to go for free because she had a friend with an extra ticket (and this friend wouldn't even let me pay her for my ticket). Exciting!!!


So I got to get my picture taken with Laura. Right after this I said out loud, "Oh no! Were my glasses over my eyes? Can you see them very well in the picture? Take another one real quick."



Obedient friend of mine took another one and boy am I glad! Do I not look cross eyed in the first picture? I would have been so disappointed if that was the only picture I got. I decided that my dorky comment in front of Laura, Matt Maher, and Andy Cherry (he's up and coming) was totally worth it to have a better picture. Yes, this one is much better! Btw, for those of you who know my sister - does Laura resemble her just a little bit to you guys too? Just a little? I just have to say that if you took a dork-o-meter out when me and my sister get to meet stars/singers that we really like we pretty much break records at the skillful art of freaking the famous person out and making ourselves look really cool. Still makes our day, and we walk away happy:o)

I'm not super into autographs but I had Laura sign my ticket, got my picture with her, and talked to her for quite awhile. Then I moved down the line to Matt and Andy and said, "Oh I might as well have you guys..." then realizing what I just said changed my wording, "Can you sign my ticket too? Andy Cherry said, "Yeah, might as well." How rude of me! I tried to cover my "dis"interest in telling him that I had never heard of him before, but he did have nice music:/ Oh boy...

After the concert I went to pick up my kids and tried to pay our babysitter. She was like, "No, don't pay me! I won't cash your check..." I said, well I'm going to write it out and if you happen to change your mind we will have already planned for it to come out of our account. So I left it on the counter and stayed and chatted for awhile. When the kids and I were about to leave our baby sitter held up this check and laughed. I thought, "What in the world?" Yeah, *ahem* Brains and Curly decided to use it as a doodling project!:o) Bwhahaha, well... I guess it wasn't meant to be:o)



Random stuff here, but Brains just cracks me up with her art work sometimes...

Brains decorated a card for a sweet friend and asked me label a couple of things for her. Do you see the big purple cat holding hands with the people? That is Hello Kitty. Then the orange cat outlined in white is Invisible Kitty, hehe:o) Then she drew a REALLY Invisible Kitty on the right hand side next to the three stick people. Can you see it? It's kind of hard to see - I guess it's supposed to be hard to see since it is after all "invisible". Where does she come up with this stuff? So silly:o)



These are the directions to the English assignment that Brains was working on.



Do you see the door on the bottom row next to the number 10? I asked Brains, "Why do you have a g and an r under the door?" Matter of factly she says, "drawer..." so she was giving it a long g sound and pronounced it like a dresser drawer. I laughed and said, "that is a Door! With a D." She looked so surprised and said in an embarrassed voice but with laughter, "I thought it was drawer? I've been saying it wrong all this time?" Silly girl:o) Pretty crazy that you can just not hear a mispronunciation like that and therefore it never gets corrected. So she learned something new that day.
Then on the next page of that picture, 3 rows down, do you see the lock? Once again, I'm like, "Why do you have a c and a u on this one?" Brains says, "camera..." Wow, that girl is thinking outside the box! How hilarious!



I know I dedicated a whole post to our homeschool material and how they choose the strangest pictures/words for English. Is this not ridiculous? How many kids even know what jade is? I had to look back in the book to figure this one out. I just have to wonder about the curriculum writers (not sure what their technical name would be), "Is this the best they could come up with, do they have any imagination at all or too much imagination? So strange...

Leafy Bum

We raked our yard while the kids played in the leaves. Smiles didn't have any pants on for some reason... Here is what you get with a diaper bum and leaves:o) Looks pretty UNcomfortable I'd say!

I Wish...

As much fun as twins were, I find myself wishing often that Judles and Lincoln had been single birth babies. I wish Brains, Curly, and Smiles had distinct memories of him... I wish all the time that even I had clearer memories of Lincoln instead of wondering which baby I cuddled with at which event; which baby I snuggled with the most in the carry pouch for that last trip to the mall; they both woke up that last night and I fell asleep with both of them in my arms at one point - who did I snuggle with longer? I never would have thought that my memories of the NICU and PICU would be SO precious... Going to the hospital to visit Lincoln! I remember seeing him hooked up to the vapotherm machine and hearing him cough harder than any baby ever should and choke on all his saliva and phlegm that his little body couldn't handle. He looked completely miserable. I asked the nurse on duty if she thought he might prefer to be left alone. She said, "No I don't think so, I think babies always like to be held." I am SO glad she told me that or I would struggle with that to this day wishing I had picked him up. I had so many wonderful snuggle times in that hospital, uninterrupted by our other kids, duties at home, life in general. When I sat in those hospital rooms with Lincoln, he was my focus and he just ate up all the love that he got. At least I know that he was loved and even if I can't remember specifics there was no favoritism. Pretty much whoever cried louder or longer got first dibs on feedings or had the honor of being the baby in the carry pouch instead of the one in the stroller, etc...


I wish that that last morning when we knew he was gone, that instead of passing him off to someone... anyone... who could fix him and make him better that I would have just held him and gave his soft, somewhat warm body one last hug and that I would have kissed his sort of warm cheeks, buried my nose into his soft downy hair one last time... I wish I could have said goodbye that way... Instead of giving him over to strangers and then seeing him in the ER as a different baby. A baby with crusty hair, a tube in his nose, an unfamiliar blanket, and so, so lifeless.


I hate that I can't walk into my kids rooms at night to see them peacefully sleep without racing over to feel them breath, that peaceful look is now marred by death. It's not so welcome anymore. I hate that kissing one of their cool foreheads goodnight doesn't just strike me as, "Oh they are chilly." It stirs emotions, brings back sad memories...


My hubby and I sometimes wonder why we had Lincoln buried so far away from home. I like that he is next to my brother, Micah, his uncle who I'm sure he is well acquainted with by now; it's good we can't obsess over going to the cemetery, right? BUT it's so far away... I have a dear friend, Sarah, who visited Lincolns grave and brought balloons for their visit. She said everything was still as it was when we left that Saturday afternoon, the day we buried him. We aren't even close enough to maintain his grave... I'm glad to say I'm a logical person and that it helps me through some of these struggles. Knowing that all this doesn't matter to him, just to us. Sarah texted the other day to say they were in the area again recently, but that it was to dark to see the cemetery from the road. I told her that it's hard for me to think about my baby being alone and in the dark. Even though we know he's not there we want to be there for him, we want to take care of him. Again, logic takes over and I realize it's just his shell laying in that graveyard. He is alive and well and happy and comfortable and unafraid and taken care of! As Sarah said, "Linc is basking in the glorious light of our Father!" How... HOW, do people go through something like this who don't know Christ? How do they find comfort when they don't have a loving Saviour to run to? When they don't have the promises from the Bible to cling to! We can find happiness in knowing Lincoln is in heaven! We have a baby IN HEAVEN! It is fascinating, encouraging, and delightful to understand that. Would we take him back if given the opportunity? Of course! But since that isn't an option, we are thankful to know Lincoln isn't unhappy with the fact that he had a short life or with the fact that he is in heaven!

Don't Catch Us Off Guard...

Yesterday was a productive day, but one of those days where you don't plan to go anywhere and figure, "What's the point of getting dressed for the day?" Well, my answer became obvious as soon as the doorbell rang and I had to go answer it in my boxers with puffy, frizzy hair... Just some girl advertising for something or other, BUT while she had me at the door, Smiles came and stood beside me in his t-shirt/diaper get-up then soon after Brains joins us in her dress she just created from all the doll blankets in their playroom. I thought, "Oh my, we all look like we just crawled out of bed at 3 in the AFTERnoon! Not to mention that when I opened the door the sun was beaming down in my eyes so I was squinting like I had just crawled out of bed too:o/ Well, I finished that conversation somewhat embarrassed and when I got upstairs I noticed Curly (who I am positive had been downstairs before I answered the door) was prancing around in JUST her underware!!! She totally walked past us, more like behind me without me even knowing in her panties!!! My kids don't just hang around in their underware on a normal basis or anything, but the girls had been playing with their dress up clothes and I guess Curly failed to re-dress after her last choice of princess dresses. Anyway, I just had to smile at how we must have looked to this girl, and yes, I am really glad it was a GIRL!

Smiles or Donald?

I was close to changing Smiles blog name to Donald since he came down with a severe case of bad attitude a couple of months before the twins were born till about a month ago. Every time I took him out I wanted to have him wear this shirt just to be a warning to everyone


Thankfully I can finally say his bad attitude isn't his main mood anymore, now he's a normal child with normal moods, whew! Didn't think I would every be able to say that! So since he's back to himself, we'll just keep him as Smiles:o)

RSV and the PICU

April 16th (9 days since the twins got to come home from the hospital) was our moving day, we moved from a 2 bedroom apartment to a 5 bedroom house! That same day my in-laws arrived from Utah, just in time to help us move:o) Judles had been coughing really hard for the past couple of days and had already been to the doctors 3 days prior to this, but we felt it necessary to take him in again, especially since he had started puking too. I was alarmed that he had already lost several ounces since we last took him in, but the doctor just gave us nebulizer medication and sent us on our way. Sunday he puked up pretty much every single meal he ate and became more and more lethargic as the day went on. I called his pediatrician and asked what we should do, he said to feed him small amounts of water frequently and then to bring him in the next day. Well, he wasn't even keeping the water down and continued to lose his color and sleep the day away. We decided we should take him in, but after our big move the day before and feeling completely exhausted (like to the point we knew we couldn't drive him to the doctors without falling asleep at the wheel) my hubby and I opted for a nap, after all we had called the pediatrician and Judles was going to be okay till the next morning, right? My hubby went off to work and the night grew later while my SIL (sister-in-law) snuggled Judles on the couch. We noticed Judles was officially about the same color as the walls (which means VERY pale) so through discussion my MIL (mother-in-law) and I decided it was time to take him to the ER. As we were getting the diaper bag together, grabbing purses and getting ready to head out, my SIL noticed Judles eyes roll back in his head as he went completely limp. I picked him up and jostled him and noticed his pupils were incredibly large (like a scary glass doll with beady marble eyeballs) while his arms and body hung limp in my hands. I had no idea what to do with him as I thought he had died in my arms right then and there. I passed him to my MIL and decided it was time to call the ambulance, there was NO way on this planet he would survive a 30-40 minute trip to the hospital. My MIL rubbed his heart, talked to him, and tried to keep him awake... thankfully she is trained in CPR. Judles eyes were shallow (they actually haunt me to this day) and my MIL felt like if he closed them again he would be gone. We fumbled for phones and quickly called 911, I remember telling them to "HURRY", because "my son was going to die!" The police arrived first and saw his color and actually said, "that's not good." They took him from my MIL and started rubbing his heart too, while they waited for the ambulance to get here. FINALLY they arrived, they got him in the ambulance, and hooked up to oxygen. I rode along right next to Judles and talked to the EMT the whole way. The oxygen immediately improved his color and his eyes grew less shallow while we drove, seeing this improvement the EMT volunteered that when he first walked in and saw Judles color he too was concerned. They wheeled him in to the ER and we walked those halls, the same ones we walked the dreadful day we lost our Linc. Poor boy was so sick and so dehydrated that they had to prick him about 4 times, blowing veins, and running out of places to prick. After about an hour they finally got it. My battery on my phone was almost dead so my MIL suggested leaving it behind and she could charge it, but duh, I couldn't even call my hubby to let him know what was going on. Thankfully he found us and he made it to the hospital pretty quick, but the minute he walked through those doors the flood gates opened and I broke down in tears. Judles was admitted to the PICU (Pediatric Intensive Care Unit) with RSV and about 5:00 that morning things were finally settled down and he was all hooked up to his oxygen and all that jazz, so my hubby and I went home for some rest. The next couple of days I didn't see the improvement I was hoping for which worried me and in the mean time Linc (at home) was starting to cough the same way as Judles and also started throwing up. He was mimicking the exact same path that Judles had taken. We didn't want to let it get as bad as Judah's did so we took him in after just a few times of throwing up. A nurse met me in the entry way and was just going to do a quick check of something, but her readings definitely alarmed her so she did it a second time and said, "okay we're going to have the doctor check this out." Yep, his numbers (I can't remember what it was they were checking, but it had something to do with oxygen levels) were in the 70's and should have been the 90's! They laid him on his tummy, because apparently the oxygen flow is better that way and did some other things, then they told us we needed to head straight to the hospital with him too. They propped him up in his carseat with blankets to help him get as much oxygen as possible and told me to sit in the back with him! So off to the PICU for Linc too! Judles had his low point at home, but we got Linc in before he hit rock bottom and I am so glad because he handled it worse than Judah did. I tell people Judah hit his low at home with out medical help, but Linc hit his low in the hospital WITH medical help. If it were the other way around I don't think Linc would have made it. He was hooked up to a thing called Vapotherm for several days, and he too didn't show improvement like I had hoped for. When he finally hit his turning point the nurses implied that they were encourage because he really wasn't doing to well. WHEW!!! STRESSFUL! So Judles was in the hospital from April 17-23 and Linc was there from April 22-30. Part of that my hubby was on another trip for job training (can we say horrible timing for all these crazy out of state training sessions?). The NICU and PICU experiences with the boys were far from fun, but I had some really special cuddle times with them that I probably wouldn't have gotten at home, so in a way I am grateful because of that time. I treasure all those times I sat and held Linc with nothing else that needed to be done. He had my undivided attention. What I would do to sit with him just one last time and snuggle him for a couple of hours, okay, ahem... got the tears flowing, better change the subject. These boys definitely didn't have an easy start to life, particularly Linc, but they made it through the health issues and became healthy, happy, and content little babies. I have to wonder how Linc could face death on several occasions only to become healthy and die peacefully in his sleep. It seems the Lord kept him around just a little bit longer so we could enjoy him at home and healthy. I am so thankful for that time we had with him.

The Twins Arrival

The birth story of the twins is loooong overdue, so long overdue that details aren't quite as crisp, but I'll give it my best effort anyway. I had a doctors appointment March 18th (measuring in at a hefty 46 weeks), where the doctors decided they wanted me to collect my urine for a 24 hour period to see how much/if I had protein in my urine. So that was my fun chore Sunday into Monday... Monday I had my appointment to get that checked then got a call Tuesday morning saying the doctors wanted me to come back in. That appointment led to a trip to the hospital that kept me there until the babies arrived, yep I had pre-eclampsia:o(










So my next 5 days (that Tuesday to Saturday) were spent on bedrest. Long and boring for sure, but where I needed to be. They do have a fun program where someone comes around and teaches bedrest moms how to crochet, so I made a hat for both of the babies, that was fun! My hubby had gone out of state for job training the same morning I was sent to the hospital (great timing eh?), I was so worried I would have the babies without him there. Thankfully he was able to come home early and was indeed there for our big event and I am so glad because he was my lifeline in that delivery room. He kept me so calm through all the trauma. Anyway, while on bedrest I had several nurses come in and ask if I had had my Strep B test yet, to which I kept responding, "Um, no I don't think so..." Well Saturday after the bottom number to my blood pressure had reached 100 for the second time they decided it was time to induce. I was told that with twins they would do ultrasounds all the way up to and even in the delivery room and that you deliver in the operating room so that if they need to do an emergency c-section you could be all prepped and ready for it super quick. Well the doctor broke my water and then realized I wasn't tested for Strep B yet (they had 5 days to do that!) so they got me medication flowing through my IV to protect against that "just in case" and when my regular OB doctor came in and realized they had already broken my water he seemed frustrated and wanted me to get the epidural as soon as possible (in case my labor progressed quickly since I was already at a 4). I became anxious about the epidural after reading the doctors expression, since I knew I didn't want to have twins without it. Oh and I had to have magnesium in my I.V. due to my blood pressure - that was, well pretty uncomfortable. They told me it would burn some, I thought, "Yikesers, no joke!" Labor was as fun as it always is *sarcasm*, finally time came to head to the delivery/operating room, note - I hadn't had a single ultrasound the five days leading up to this point and still no sign of one while heading to delivery, also my epidural had a button you could push whenever you wanted to for the desired effect, the more you push it stronger it is (well to a certain point of course). I thought, "Oh I'd like to feel as much as possible, so I'm not going to push the button." I had so much feeling in my legs that I was able to lift them myself and crawl onto the operating table. Baby A came out so quickly and so easily that I became VERY optimistic about the whole situation. That is until Doctor N. (she wanted my regular OB doctor, Doctor H., to be at the delivery just in case we needed him because he was more experienced) turned to Doctor H. and decided Baby B. was likely breached. I didn't want to have to have a cesarean unless it was absolutely necessary, but I didn't see a single ultrasound technician or machine in the room??? Strange? So... Doctor H. quickly took over and I was told not to push anymore. If your reading this and don't want too much information for your pure or inexperienced mind stop reading this now:o) Doctor H. reached inside me to grab for Baby B.'s feet so he could pull him out feet first (which we had talked about as an option), but those little feet were slippery and HARD to get. Jared said he had his entire forearm (up to his elbow) inside of me as he grabbed for the baby's feet and slipped off his hold. Over and over again he would reach in, grab the feet, and slide off, reach in, grab feet, slip off, reach in grab feet, slip off. Let me tell you people, I was really wishing that I had pushed that button for my epidural at this point because it was so painful I could hardly stand it. The suctioning sound from him slipping each time is so distinct in my memory, such an awful sound mixed with so much pain. An emergency c-section became necessary and I was quickly prepped for one, I remember thinking, "well this is it, a cesarean after all", but... where was the anesthesiologist??? Doctor H. turned to the nurses (like 15 of them) and asked where the anesthesiologist was and nobody knew. Everyone in the room became uncomfortable, quiet, and antsy as Doctor H. assumed the task at hand. I am SO thankful my hubby was able to make it back for this delivery! He kept my focus away from all the unfortunate things going on and just had me looking in his eyes, forehead against mine, praying for me, the baby, and the whole situation. He stayed calm, but I could see concern all over his face. Three nurses vigorously pushed on my stomach for what seemed like hours but was really a ten minute period. SO painful! About 2 minutes before Baby B. was born (more like pulled out) the anesthesiologist arrived and Doctor H. very frustrated and with a commanding voice, said, "GET HER SOMETHING TO MAKE HER COMFORTABLE!" A little late at that point! The baby was not only breached, but he had his arm wrapped across his chest and around his neck (I was told that was THE WORST position a baby could be in). So once the baby's feet were out it was a whole new battle getting the rest of the baby out. My hubby said the doctor would rotate the baby and pull, rotate, pull, over and over again causing all the poop inside the baby to be squished out of his little body. My husband said he wouldn't even want to watch an animal give birth that way. Finally Baby B. was born, I looked down at him and saw a pale, limp body, no tears, nothing. Both my hubby and I thought he was dead. I knew panicking wouldn't help anything so we just prayed while they wheeled our little baby off to the NICU. Anyone who's had a baby knows that usually the placenta is the easy part to deliver, but it probably took another 10 minutes of more painful reaching and grabbing before that finally came out too. My body had experienced SUCH trauma that I shook, so badly in fact that I couldn't even hold Baby A. I shook uncontrollably for probably the next 8 hours or so:o( Not fun! I didn't get to meet my NICU baby till way later that evening, they wheeled me up in my bed:o)
Linc had underdeveloped lungs and major bruising! Black feet and bruising that continued up his legs to his bottom. His face and forehead were bruised and swollen too:o( He just laid in his bed moaning from pain and stress. Lights, voices, touch, it just caused him more stress. It was so sad to see a 5lb 13oz baby whimper in pain:o( It melted my heart and made me so sad for him.
Linc's delivery was the talk of the hospital! Nurses would be like, "Oh your the one I heard about."

Yeah, it was that bad! Can you see his bruised black feet in this picture? Poor baby:o(
Judles (Baby A) got to come home, smaller than his little brother, but a breeze of a delivery and DEVELOPED lungs. He was kind of yellow so we were supposed to take him back to the doctors after a couple of days, so we did and well... he was jaundice and also needed admitted because his numbers were too low. So, much to my dismay we took him in too and under the Billi Rubin lights he went. They also started treating him for an infection (which was all hogwash, but we figured it was best to comply). Lincoln showed great progress during his stay, but they had major expectations for his eating. Having experience of raising and feeding 3 babies prior to this I KNEW he was eating fine and getting a sufficient amount. We inquired about taking the feeding tube out of his nose and taking him home since that was the only thing keeping him there and the doctors acted as if we were first time parents who had no idea what we were talking about. They gave us an ultimatum that they would take the feeding tube out of his nose and if he ate 30 ml or more for each feeding (every 2-3 hours) during a 24 hour time period, we could take him home. If he didn't meet these standards he would stay. Fine with us since if he wasn't eating well (which I had no doubts he was) we wanted him to get the proper help. I decided I would stay and monitor the situation and decided I would nurse him since he always seemed to eat more that way. Every feeding they put him on the scale to weigh him before and after he ate. He did AMAZING! There was one feeding where he ate through a let down (and nursing mothers KNOW what a let down is and if your baby is keeping up) and I missed his before weight, but when they weighed him afterward they said he only ate .05 ml. I told the nurse that was impossible because with my experience I knew he got a good feeding and they must have weighed him wrong. He was even breathing heavy from a full belly! I was super discouraged, but trudged on with that one "bad" feeding against us. Needless to say, he passed with flying colors and when that 24 hour period was up the main nurse actually expressed her surprise at how well he did. Judles finished his round of antibiotics (8 day stay for him) and Linc passed his eating test (14 day stay for him), so April 8th I got to take BOTH babies home AND my husband arrived home from another training trip the same day! Happy day!:o)The babies are wearing the hats I made:o)

Blessed!

I feel like I've been on a rollercoaster going top speed for these past 3+ months and suddenly got kicked off. Life has been a whirlwind of busyness: twin pregnancy with 3 young kids to care for, twin birth and the NICU then RSV and the PICU, high blood pressure, moving, flooding in our basement, broken air conditioner, broken heater releasing carbon monoxide in our house... and then losing a piece of my heart... a piece named Lincoln. Having twins and being overwhelmed at times has been such a fun adventure and I feel so blessed to have been able to experince the "twin thing" and a family of seven! Thank you Lord for the life you have given me, thank you Lord for Lincoln and the time we had with him! We have had such an overwhelming amount of support, prayers, cards, and encouragement, the body of Christ is amazing and we are blessed to be a part of it! Every day brings new battles and fresh tears, but every day we have hope in the Lord and 4 children to enjoy. I have such a sweet and sensitive husband, who even now consoles me as I cry, "I love you hun!"
Looking at all these "hardships" it's easy to see how God is taking care of us. Both babies survived birth and eventally went home healthy, both babies recoverd from RSV and became healthy once again, I had an appointment for my blood pressure today and had great numbers, we're in the process of laying new carpet in our basement, tomorrow our air conditioner and heater will be replaced, and we have such a loving family, church family, and friends that we aren't even hurting finacially through all of this! We can't replace Lincoln and we won't forget the joy he brought to our lives, we miss him everyday and long to see him again. One day that too will be on our revised fixed list and we WILL see him again. The promises in God's Word have never been so real and so encouraging as now.

We Miss Our Sweet Lincoln 3/26/11 - 7/2/11

I haven't even finished writing the birth story of my Twinkies and I already have a death story to be told:o( If I had only known Saturday at about 2:00 a.m. my little Lincoln would nurse for the last time or at 5:30 a.m. he would drink his last bottle... If I would have known that that last week in our hot, hot house would be his last and my cuddling days with him were numbered... If I would have known he was only going to be with us two more days and family photos would never be taken... If I would have known that my sick kids wouldn't get to love on him ever again...

I woke up from my last night of sleep as a complete family to a frantic Mother-in-law screaming and running out of our bedroom after checking on the boys. My husband and I jumped out of bed as I glanced at the clock wondering what the commotion was all about... 8:30 a.m. kind of early to be playing so loudly with the kids... wait playing??? We ran out to the kitchen confused and shocked to see a lifeless little body in my mother-in-laws arms. I ran over and picked him up and said, "Bring him back! Can you bring him back?" I blew in his mouth and handed him to my husband. He tried mouth to mouth and some chest compressions while he yelled, "OH MY SON, OH MY PRECIOUS SON!!!" I don't even remember what happened after that till suddenly our house was brimming full of men in uniforms. "This can't be happening" I'm thinking the whole time, "he just ate 3 hours ago and he was fine!" The paramedic took him from us and said he was still a little warm, instantly there was hope, but deep down inside we knew... A man with a camera took pictures of his bed and asked questions about where he was laying, how he was sleeping, was he sick? when did he last eat? how was his last feeding? was he fussy? and millions of other questions. Then we were directed to go to the helicopter pad behind Hy-Vee and the whole way I just held on to that little bit of hope that he's "a little bit warm." Still in shock as we drove... We arrived at Hy-Vee, where behind the closed doors of the ambulance they worked long and hard on our 3 month old baby. They told us to head to the hospital while they flew him in the helicopter. We got in the car and it hit me hard, he's gone, I know he's gone. I broke down and cried the entire trip, wondering why? what could we have done differently? what will they tell us when we arrive at the hospital? We walked down the same foreboding hallway we had walked down once before (different story, different day) and were ushered into a room where nurses surrounded his bed and chaos was happening everywhere. They told us they had given him lots of medicine and had been doing chest compressions and oxygen for the last 45 minutes and he wasn't responding. They said they wanted to keep trying till we got there and that they would try everything one last time and if he didn't respond they would have to "call it." We heard, "Switching compressions *commotion* 13 cc's *commotion" They did some compressions and the doctor said, "I'm sorry we have to call it. NINE THIRTY EIGHT" People filed out of the room while we held each other and cried. Sweet, sweet Lincoln's body laying still. I rubbed his hand and touched his face trying to take in every single detail of that body I loved so much. The medical examiner arrived and they sent us out of the room while they took pictures. They called us back in to spend some time with him, to hold him, and to say "goodbye".

Today Lincoln's grandpa's laid his casket in his grave. Today I watched while my husband and my dad filled his grave one shovel load at a time. Today was our final goodbye.


TOUCHING MEMORIES OF LINCOLN
We loved the way Lincoln would make eye-contact with us when he was crying and he would follow us through his tears.
We loved the way his face lit up when we talked to him and how his focus was SO on us.
He loved to be talked to.
We loved his bright, happy eyes and his perky eyebrows.
We loved his snuggles. He loved to be held close and tight.
We loved how he enjoyed being in the carry pouch just to be close to us.
We loved hearing him talk to us and watching his nostrils flare as he mustered up his adorable coos.
We loved his chubby cheeks and how our lips would sink right into them.
We loved his little baby rolls and the feel of hugging his round little body.
We loved cuddling and snuggling with him in bed or burping him on our tummies in the middle of the night.
We loved how he would get so ferocious when he was hungry.
We loved the way he buried his face in our chest or shoulders when he was squawking and squirming for food.
We loved how he liked to suck on our pinkies that almost always made him happy, even more than the pacie.
We loved the dimples on his cheeks when he smiled and the dimple under his eye when he cried.
We loved the feel of his soft downy hair on our cheeks.
We loved his gorgeous deep-blue eyes that seemed to speak a thousand words, mostly happy ones!
We loved how he was so easy-going and the happiest of all whenever he was being snuggled.
We loved his voice as he would cry or the outbursts that sounded like “baw” - extremely pathetic like a bleating lamb.
We loved listening and watching as our Twinkies cried together in unison; they were so funny!
We loved rubbing ours noses with his and giving him Eskimo kisses.
We loved giving him a bath and having him smell so yummy afterwards.
We loved the strawberry mark on his forehead.
We loved how big his eyes got when it was time to eat.
We loved the way he always gazed at Judah when they laid beside each other.
We loved how he became a fighter while making it through such a hard birth, then to battle RSV while coming out victorious!
We loved having twins and we loved how we found out that we were going to have twins.
We loved the contrast from when Lincoln was the squirmy, wiggly one in the womb, but he was so laid back after he was born.
We loved the little beads of sweat on his forehead from crying so hard when it was so hot in our unairconditioned house.
We love to look long at his pictures while seeing all of his expressions and smiles.
We love viewing the pictures of the boys, always together from the first time they FINALLY met till the last day they were together.
We love that we can still look at Judah and get some glimpses of Lincoln.
We love how he has his big brother, Brody, who at three months resembled him so much,
which gives us an idea how he might have looked in the future.
We love and have loved our many precious friends praying for our Twinkies and us.
We love that he was the little-big brother, though born last he was larger than Judah.
We love how our loving God gave us two babies so we can still have one to hold, to love on, and to raise for the Lord.
We love knowing that God is sovereign, too great and wonderful to make any mistakes!
We love the comfort from knowing Christ and understanding that our Savior loves Lincoln even more than us.
We love opening our van door and looking back to see four precious faces who we love so much!
We love how Lincoln was God’s gift and so precious to enjoy for those three months.
We love knowing that we will definitely get to be with our Lincoln again one day.
We love knowing that our little Lincoln is now with Jesus. “Thank you, Jesus, for giving him to us!”
WHEN MEMORIES HURT
We will miss the attention the twins got from strangers while out and about.
We will miss Lincoln and Judah smiling and cooing together.
It is hard to hear Judah's cry become even more pathetic than before (yes, it is possible).
It was hard seeing Judah abnormally agitated the day after losing his twin brother.
We will miss the Twinkies tearful duets.
It hurts to have an extra hand or extra space on our laps, that we always seemed to need, but don’t want.
It hurts to see an empty car seat, and having no baby to fill that space.
It was hard taking off the sheets where Lincoln breathed his last breath.
Finding “spit-up” on our shirts that we put away and thought were clean.
It hurts moving on knowing the memories of Lincoln will begin to fade.
I will miss how crazy busy five kids made me while shopping.
Only having one baby to feed in the middle of the night (and THAT baby is SUPER SPECIAL)
It’s hard seeing two sets of clothes in the dresser, laundry and diaper bag.
It’s hard having to pack the diaper bag for only one baby.
It hurt to put together a video and a service, only to be pleased with our selections and choices.
It was hard to explain to April and Chloe why they will not see Lincoln anymore.
It’s hard thinking of how Judah will grow up while Lincoln’s pictures remain the same.
We regret that we don’t have a single family picture of all seven of us.
It hurt so much to pick out Lincoln’s clothes for the funeral and a casket that is way to small.
It is painful to see the loneliness of little Judah because of losing his best friend.
The boys won’t be jostled around bonking heads while we settle down with two babies at once.
It’s hard putting Judah to bed and worrying, but knowing that he is also in God’s hands.
It’s hard to think of getting family pictures without Lincoln and not having any more pictures of our Twinkies together.
Pain was to hand him over to the coroner.
Pain was to pick out the flowers for his funeral.
Pain is to read our baby’s own obituary in the paper.
Pain is to open a letter and reading, “Death Certificate.”
Pain is an autopsy report.
Pain is to see a date chiseled onto his tombstone.
Pain is to follow his little casket through the church.
Pain is to follow a Hearse for his final ride.
Pain is to sense such finality while his Grandpa's lowered his little casket into the ground and to say goodbye.
Pain is watching his Papa fill his grave with dirt.
Pain is to think that we weren't there to rescue you, Linc, when you maybe felt so alone, maybe afraid.
But we are comforted to know that his best friend, Judah WAS there, and that JESUS was there too!
Isa 35:10
“And the ransomed of the LORD will return and come with joyful shouting to Zion, with everlasting joy upon their heads. They will find gladness and joy, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.”

Baby and Job Update!

I figured some updates were in order since my last blog entry... Sunday at church I had several people tell me that the babies had dropped since they had last seen me and later that night my hubby and I realized that indeed it was true. I had an ultrasound on Monday and found that Baby B decided to finally move his/her head out of my hip and go head down (yay). I'm not sure if it's the combination between dropping, having 2 babies heads in my pelvis, and no longer having this pressure in my hip that had been there for 1-2 months or what, but my hips started causing me A LOT of grief beginning Sunday afternoon and even more so Sunday night. At first I didn't know what was going on, but after feeling many distinguishable pops every time I tried to walk I realized it was my hips and oh boy... what a pain (literally!) this has been since. I also cleaned out a bloody mess from our refrigerator because of some thawing meat (on Saturday) and I'm wondering if being on my hands and knees up and down, squatting and everything else caused unnecessary stress on my hips? Anyway, when my hip DOES pop (which can be every step I take at times) it stops me in my tracks and paralyzes me, so painful! I begin to look at my destination, which is only steps away, as a daunting task. I stare at the thing I'm trying to get to, grab furniture on the way, and grimace in pain as I make my way over. The other night I decided crawling might even be more comfortable that walking (and I am 34 weeks along with my twins if that says anything). My kids aren't super high maintenance, but just filling up a sippie cup of milk for my little man almost made my eyes water just thinking about it. Simple things... not so easy! Thankfully my WONDERFUL uncle, aunt, and cousin offered to take the kids for us till my mom gets here Saturday and I just have to say, "That was SUCH a huge blessing" (I call it the calm before the storm, having this quiet time without the kids and of course the storm {when the twins are born} is a good storm that we are eagerly anticipating)! Granted... my hip isn't always out all day long, but as soon as it decides to pop, usually it keeps doing it for the rest of the day and it is so very nice not to have to worry about the poor kids and their everyday needs when I am so incapable of doing what I need to do. Wednesday after church my husband had to hold my hands while I crossed the lawn to get to our apartment and it literally took about 10 minutes verses a normal 30 second walk. Yes, very, very pathetic!
I had another ultrasound on Monday and the estimated weight for Baby A. was 4lbs 7oz and for Baby B. 5 lbs 2 oz, pretty hearty little things:o) Today was another doctors appointment and I had been told they would be doing stress tests on the babies at each of my appointments from here on out. There was a nice little room with a super comfy chair where they got me all set up for this test, but after both doctor and 2 different nurses worked (for a good 15 minutes) on trying to get a steady heartbeat on both squirmy uncooperative babies they decided to go for an ultrasound instead. They were just too wiggly!!! So the ultrasound tech. got a bunch of different measurements and got to the part where she needed the babies to move for her and they were totally uncooperative once again, only this time they weren't moving enough! Silly babies! Finally Baby B. got more wiggly, but Baby A. was totally chillin'. Eventually she got everything she needed except for Baby B. showing that he/she was trying to use his/her lungs, but whew, our appointment ended up taking 2 hours! I just have to say it's been really fun seeing these babies grow and noticing more and more detail in each ultrasound. Today we got to watch one of the babies scratch at it's detailed little ear with it's perfect little fingers, or a hand grabbing at the umbilical cord, seeing a sweet suckling motion, seeing fingernails, hair, open eyes, a tummy moving in and out while Baby A. used his/her lungs, it's so cool! Baby B. looked like a little chipmunk with his/her round chunky cheeks - so robust looking! At the last ultrasound one of the babies profiles didn't look very defined and round like the profile shots usually do, then the u/s tech says, "Yeah, this babies face is pretty squished against your placenta," I thought, "Wow that poor thing is going to be born with a flat face!" They are definitely running out of room:o) At my past 3 ultrasounds (all given by different people) I've been told that Baby B.'s behind is WAY up in my ribs. One of the girls said in shock, "HOW DO YOU BREATHE?" I'll tell you what, it isn't always a piece of cake, especially when I'm having braxton hicks. When the lady that we had today mentioned how far Baby B.'s bum is up in my ribs J and I just smiled at each other and chuckled, not new news for us:o)
Wednesday was my 34 week mark and I am now measuring 46 weeks! I can't believe how stretchy skin is, it's insane! My ankles have been swollen for a good 2 weeks now and my blood pressure is up some, then today I had some protein in my urine:o/ They gave me a huge jug and I am supposed to collect my urine for a 24 hour period on Sunday (yay *sarcasm*) and then I have another appointment on Monday. Should be interesting to see what comes out of that appointment!
I thought my ankles were super swollen this day:o)

About a week later they were super swollen, though pictures never do justice!


My husbands job situation is still up in the air:o/ He took the test and passed 3 of the 4 sessions and came home pretty excited and confident that he did really well. News traveled that everyone but 2 people got zeros on their tests (and 12 people total took the test). With no explanation as to how everyone did so bad my husbands current job was suddenly on the line. Since so few people passed the test there was talk of hiring outside of the plant he works at and getting rid of the 3 lowest people in that department of the plant (which would be my husband). J went from thinking he got a new position to coming home the next day wondering if he would even have a job at all! We finally got word that the plant is going to test everyone who wanted to take the test (before they only allowed the one department to test since it's $500 a head per test) and if any of those people, (5 people total) do pass the test they will get the job and my hubby would be bumped to fill in their positions. THEN if none of them pass, the plant will go by seniority and the way it happens to work out with how different people want different shifts, my hubby would be first in line for the position he is hoping for. Hope this isn't thoroughly confusing, but the good news from all of this is, MY HUSBAND HAS A JOB!!! It might not end up being the one he was hoping for, but that hardly seems important anymore. He will find out Monday at 5:00 p.m. if he got the job and likely travel either that night or the next day if he did (so last minute for planning).
We're just finding it amusing in our household how many things are SO up in the air right now. When will the babies come? When do we officially get to move? Does my hubby have a job anymore? Yes? Oh good! Will he get this new position? Will he be traveling? Will he be here when the babies are born? Will he end up in an entirely different part of the plant. No answers! No certainties! We've given it to the Lord and are so glad that He is the one to determine all of the outcomes of each of these circumstances! It's in His hands and He is in control, I would have it no other way and am glad it's up to Him!

Job vs. Due Date

So, I sit here with my feet up since my ankles have officially started to swell *hooray*... Hoping it stops with the ankles as I can't imagine how flattering it would be to have a tummy my size AND a swollen water logged body on top of it. I reached my 32 week mark on Wednesday which is really exciting! Every week that passes I am thankful that the babies are still inside where they can continue to grow and develop the best way possible.
Anyone who has been pregnant (even with one) knows how attractive you start to feel towards the end right? No matter how many nice comments/compliments you get, you just feel HUGE! Well, I do have to say that a husbands contentment in your growing body is so reassuring! I came across my hubbys status on facebook and realized it was about me and got some of those excited flutters reading his sweetness and this is what he said, "Is it possible that with each cm added to Angela's growing physic her hotness grows in perfect harmony squared? *contented sigh* The mathematical probability sets of pregnancy." Have I ever said on my blog how much I love that man? He makes me smile and I am so glad he is mine!
My husband is currently looking into a different position with a different shift at work (he's been working 3rd shift, hours 10 p.m.-6:30 a.m. for like 5 years now). The position he was most interested in was a floater position where he would cover different peoples shifts while they are on vacation, but there are a lot of people with more seniority than him who are also interested in that position (which makes the possibilities drear). Well, J's boss was talking to him the other night about a second shift position that not many people are interested in and mentioned to J that he would really like him to have that position (granted he has to pass a very difficult test in order to even apply for it). So, now we are torn, as there is extensive training involved that would require my hubby to travel out of state for a week at a time over the months of March, April, and May, these are the dates of training: March 21-25; April 4-9; April 26-30; and May 2-6. My due date is April 27th, though I was told they would induce me April 13th if I made it that far and we are moving April 4th to our first home! I know I am completely capable of birthing my babies without the presence of my husband, but I can hardly bare the thought of it, especially with twins and the fact that we have waited all this time to save the surprise of the sexes for the delivery room. WHAAAAA!!!! As much as I want him there he equally wants to be there (obviously) - he is really sentimental and it would be tragic for him to miss this. My doctor pretty much told me I'm a ticking time bomb and could literally go any day since I have no height and the babies could run out of room (not sure if that is possible), anyway so many uncertainties with twins as to when I will actually deliver, but I'm not loving the dates for his training. Not to mention the fact that he would be gone the entire week of our big move! BUT, he still has to pass the super hard test and if he fails it the pressure is off, but if he passes we will need a lot of prayer as to what decisions we should make. By the way, the reason it would be so nice to have this new position is it will be a slight pay increase, it would be more job security for him (as he is the low man where he is now and has had the threat of moving to a different position that requires ALOT of overtime), and we are SO ready for him to be home at nights and sleep like a normal person! Lots to think about over here... saying the months of March and April will be busy ones in an understatement, especially if he passes that test (and I'm not sure how taking care of 3 kids and newborn twins for a week period 2 different times, by myself is going to treat my sanity, yikes!).

Easy Feet

Notice in the middle it says, "No more bending or having to reach to clean your feet!"

So, today I saw an As Seen On T.V. advertisement for Easy Feet. Normally this is something I would chuckle at as completely ridiculous, but in my current state it seemed like it could almost be a good idea:o) I still chuckled because it is pretty silly. Do you suppose they have some kind of invention like Easy Feet that shaves your legs for you when you are struggle to do it yourself? Now that would be a GREAT invention and I would so invest in it! Pregnancy and leg shaving = a struggle and discomfort, which explains why I save the task for Saturday, so that they look nice and fresh for church on Sunday:o)

Funny Homeschool Material

I'm curious about some feedback here... Is it just me (well, and my hubby, sister, etc.) or does our homeschooling curriculum choose very strange pictures for their vocab. cards and lessons? This is kindergarten material and I'm just wondering what happened to the good old fashioned pictures I grew up learning my letters and sounds with.


Call me crazy or one with a small vocabulary, but do you know of any 5 year old who knows what a civet is?


Cockatoo? Why not cat, corn on the cob, or coat?


Emu, for real here! Seriously?


I'm not sure what's up with the proper nouns, but when a kindergartner sees a fish picture they aren't thinking, "Oh, but of course it's a goldfish."



Again, proper noun - inchworm?


I'm not even sure what an Ibex is, well except for what the picture shows me:o)



Mule...



Nightingale...



I have never heard of an okapi in my life! How about an orange or something?



Sunfish... yet another proper noun.



Kind of a strange looking unicorn



Umbrella Bird? What in the world?



And a vole, another animal I have never heard of before.



This looks like a ring to me, but apparently it's a circle:o)



I think I actually had to ask my hubby what this was since the letters for airplane didn't match the letters they were looking for in the exercise. Well it's a jet, makes sense, but come on here I'm an adult and couldn't see past airplane:o)



Another one I had to ask my hubby what in the world the book wanted for an answer (I suppose there is probably a teachers key somewhere in our material that I could look at, but for kindergarten I'm not real motivated to find it). Yes, this is a cent! My brain just can't see past the obvious apparently:o)



Nope, not a butterfly, but indeed a STICK! Ha! So funny!!!



Fuse? I know it says it right on the picture, but is that the BEST they could come up with?



Most kids would look at this and think horse, right? This is a mule... I guess it's consistent with the flash cards:o)



Another one I had to mull over in my mind, a gymnasium!!! I'm thinking basketball court/court...



My daughter Brains had to tell me what this was. It might be obvious and I just don't have an imagination, but it's a pillow:o) I guess if Brains could figure this one out it must not be too bad.



This looks like a christmas ornament to me... I couldn't see anything BUT a christmas ornament. My hubby finally figured it out, it's a top!



I'm not sure what I would do without my husband! I'm starting to see a trend here of him figuring all of these out for me:o/ Just so you know, he has to think pretty hard for some of these too (we always knew he had more of an imagination than I do). Anyway I looked at this and said, "WHAT IS THIS?" It looked like a tree on top of a mud hill, or maybe a broccoli? Now that I know what it is, I can see it much better, but it's a volcano:o)



Not a diamond, but a gem! Oh my...



Thankfully this one was labeled in one of the exercises or I would have always assumed it was a bush, but it's actually sage...


So, I'm not trying to dog on our curriculum, I just find all this slightly humorous:o) Thought I would share with others and see if they thought so too:o)