I know pictures have circulated around Facebook of Lincoln's burial service, and an observant person might wonder why we had shovels in our hands...
So after we got back from the ER July 2, we came home to a house full of loving friends and family... There was an awkward silence as we walked in, but so much love and support from these wonderful people. It's incredible what the week following the death of a loved one looks like... That afternoon we got a house visit from the funeral home and THAT afternoon we were picking out a casket for our baby and talking about funeral arrangements. There is just no time to sit around and take in all that just happened. As the week progressed we worked hard and long on Lincoln's video, we went to the flower shop to pick out flowers and colors for his funeral, we picked out clothes for him to wear... his last outfit:o( I was out shopping months after losing Linc and saw that the shorts that we had picked out were now a clearance item. Those little shorts caught my eye hanging on that rack, so many emotions attached to this little pair of shorts...
We had several house calls from the funeral home (I have never heard of that before) and they were so good about working with us. We were informed that the casket we picked out was out of stock:o( Out of stock! What do you do? We had picked out a nice wood grain looking casket, that if we were to choose one we "liked" THAT was it. Well, we had to settle for a cheap looking white one with a blue design throughout it - poor selection to choose from... I know it doesn't matter what a casket looks like, but it really is disappointing to not be able to get the one you prefer.
The head funeral director was scheduled to go on vacation so his second hand man was to take over for him. This was a young guy who had obviously never lost someone close to him in his life and lacked a lot of compassion. Immature, task oriented, and frank. We'll call him E since I'll be talking about him throughout this post and yes I apologize now, it will be in a negative sense:/
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| 3 month pictures |
Driving to Lincoln's viewing I had knots in my stomach, I had pretty much felt sick that entire week. Pulling up and seeing a hearse outside, knowing that was your baby's transportation... How do you anticipate the day you see your baby laying in a casket? We had some alone time (as a family) with our boy. E hovered while he sought our approval, as we looked at our Linc. I remember saying, "He just doesn't look like himself..." to which E responded, "We did do a good job on his make-up though didn't we?" First hint to me that I might not care for this E very much. Good make-up or not, what baby is going to look themselves under these circumstances? Our beautiful baby who no longer had pink, fleshy skin... who didn't wiggle and coo as we touched him... no bright eyes watching as we approached... I do have to say that with Brains, Curly, Smiles, and Judles there, yeah... they were, umm shall we say distracting? Some distractions are welcome and I think with their innocence and curiosity they brought some light to the moment. They loved their baby brother and had questions. Smiles had no idea what was going on though, and desperately wanted the Lightning McQueen resting under Lincoln's hand. No fear or discomfort from our little troop of kids. Just love for their baby brother.
By the end of the night we were exhausted! E wanted us to meet with him before heading out. He was VERY adamant about us, "Not being late!" for Linc's funeral the next day. And seriously, I know we're late to just about everything we do, but late for our baby's funeral? I don't think he needed to worry about that!
While we drove home from Linc's viewing we happened upon a mommy deer and her 3 little babies crossing the road. It was so sweet! One of the babies just hung back and stared while my hubby tried to get a picture and as soon as he took it the deer ran away. It was like it was posing for us:o)
The next morning I remember getting dressed and ready to go (still feeling super icky), blow drying my hair and sweating like a pig since we didn't have working air conditioning in our house yet. It was HOT and humid:/
E wanted us to have our last moments with Linc (just my hubby and I) in the company of JUST us, then close up the casket, and start the funeral - big deal to him, because he didn't want everyone else saying last minute goodbyes and holding things up. I thought that was really stupid not to have all the people who cared about you there for one of the hardest moments of your entire life. E also didn't like the idea of us holding Lincoln one last time because of the fact that he was embalmed??? Worries of jostling him to much... not sure what the big deal was since we would soon be closing the lid and no one would ever see him again anyway. I have a very dear friend named Barb who too lost her sweet baby Sarah. She talked to E and told him that we needed to be able to hold Linc if we wanted to. We had mixed emotions about it, but we did know that we would never regret having held him one last time and we could very possible regret NOT holding him one last time. So we decided that was something we wanted to do (and if you think that is strange, you probably haven't ever lost a baby...). So we went to the church nursery and sat in a rocking chair with our precious baby boy, studying every feature of his beautiful face and sweet baby body. We had roughly 15 minutes with him before we were to meet with everyone else to close the lid. Last minute I remembered the picture of our family that we wanted to put in with Linc, but didn't know where it had gone. E who was SO worried about holding up the service very anxiously said, "HURRY! Well don't hurry, but HURRY!" Just a thought, but don't you think that people would be willing to wait an extra 5-10 minutes for a funeral to start? If someone was that impatient and wanted to leave than no skin off my shoulders. We ran around looking for this picture (which really was important to us) totally stressed because E wanted us to hurry. Thankfully we found it pretty quickly, and made our way to the youth room where our supportive families were waiting for that last glimpse of our baby boy before we shut the lid and said goodbye. Had I known what to expect next I would have stood up and taken care of things myself. There was a ruffly blanket thing with elastic around it that was folded over the edge of the casket, E took that off the edge and covered Lincoln's face up with it (not carefully, just rushing to get things moving). Again I know things like this don't matter to Linc, or in the grand scheme of things, but it matters to me... I would have tucked it around the edges and covered him nicely with the blanket we chose, with his face uncovered...
The funeral service was perfect! We had fantastic musicians, vocalists, and great messages from 2 great Pastors. I wouldn't change a single thing about the service - thank you to everyone who had a part in that! The challenge from Pastor Jim (the main speaker) was to "Be still and know that I am God."
Since the graveyard we had chosen for Lincoln is so far away (I know I've said it before, but we often wish we hadn't buried him so far away, but we do like that he is next to his uncle - it seemed perfect at the time) the burial service was planned for the next day, Saturday at 1:00. We had a couple of delays, like my hubby missing our exit:/ Someone we were caravanning with deciding to get gas at the worst possible time... I was getting a little stressed about arriving late, you know since E made such a big deal about it. Well, when we arrived no one was there! No hearse, no chairs, no tents, nothing. Just a hole in the ground with a mound of dirt next to it. We thought it strange and still do actually. People started to arrive and I'd say just about everyone who was coming was there. Finally E arrived (super late) in a van, where Linc was stored in the back. I wonder why we even paid him to bring Lincoln - we could have just as easily put Linc in the back of our van and at least he would have been transported with love. E grabbed the flowers out and awkwardly placed them on the mound of dirt, then started setting up a table for cards, meanwhile my hubby and I mingled and thanked people for coming. With no warning to us E had the grandpas transport Linc to his grave,
while we talked to people and had no clue what was going on. Our friends realized what was going on and cued us in thankfully. We watched as they carefully lowered him into the ground, I love how tenderly they put him down and how special it was that the grandpas were the ones who did it... E told us we could shovel some dirt in or go ahead and shovel all the dirt in, it was up to us. It would have been nice to know of this option ahead of time so we could discuss it, but we were put on the spot and it only seemed right that WE bury him, every shovel of dirt burying him with love. It was hot and awkward, filling in a grave isn't a 5 minute task. I gave my shovel over to my dad after a bit and I'm glad I did because he was really good about packing the dirt in just right. E didn't like the awkward time consuming task while our friends stood by and watched. He fidgeted while hinting for my hubby to stop (after offering? He was so frustrating). My dad was really wonderful and helped the awkwardness by suggesting we sing Amazing Grace at the end or saying encouraging things amongst the silence. He knew exactly what to say, how to say it, and when - why am I surprised? He is after-all greatly gifted in that area! Watching my dad and especially J work hard to fill Linc's grave filled my heart with overflowing love.
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| All smiles, happy boy:o) |
We had a huge get together at my sisters house after Lincolns burial service with family who traveled out for everything. It was fun! Even then, we could laugh and have fun or cry at the snap of our fingers, but we could still choose to smile and truly enjoy ourselves. My sister gave me the most thoughtful gift - a book she, my mom, my dad, some aunts, and cousins worked hard and long on. It wasn't finished, but they took the time to get on fb and copy and paste all the messages people had sent from the announcement of the twins to the condolences of losing Lincoln all throughout the pages of this book. It is so beautiful and full of encouragement! Something I would have wanted to do, but never would have made the time to do it. I am so thankful for such a thoughtful (and time consuming) gift!
When we got home after such a long day we really started to see how sun burnt Judles got from being at the graveyard with no shade of any sort on such a hot day. His poor face was bright pink and he was starting to get a horrible cough, which was majorly stressing J, myself, and my mother-in-law, out. I took him to the doctor that following Monday and my doctor is so sweet that he offered to admit Judles into the hospital if it would make us feel better, but he assured us it wasn't necessary. He just wanted us to have the option if it gave us a peace of mind. I knew if he didn't
need to be there than logically it wasn't a good idea to send him. Besides, I didn't want him to have to get poked and prodded any more than necessary, BUT the thought of just sending him away sick and returned to us in full health was very tempting. We opted to take him home and feel things out, which was obviously the right choice and he did get well on his own!
After a week of planning and attending your baby's funeral you can't help but feel some relief when it's over. All the anticipation that makes you sick to your stomach day after day, the sleep deprivation and puffy eyes from tears that just won't go away; but at the same time it's so final, it's suddenly time to do things that press you to move on... Seemingly simple things like taking a car seat out of your car are so hard to do and make your heart unbearably heavy.
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| Sweet sums him up well! |
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| He just makes me smile:o) |
One day I was just curled up in a ball on our bed, I couldn't move. I didn't want to move. I felt so much pain that I wanted to rot in that very position. My husband came in, held me and comforted me, and convinced me (as only he could at a moment like that) to come with him somewhere but wouldn't tell me where. My curiosity was beginning to override my depressive moment since he wouldn't tell me where we were going. I was even in my p.j.'s and he said it didn't matter. I asked, "What about my eyes, I can't stop crying. I don't want strangers to see me like this." He said that didn't matter either?!? Where can you go that it doesn't matter if you are in your p.j.'s and an emotionally unstable mess? My hubby's parents were sitting in our living room and I felt so silly while J led me out of the house, while there they sat without a clue about what was going on, aside from the obvious fact that I was a mess:/ Well I'm a HUGE fan of Reece's Peanut Butter Cup Concrete Mixers from Culvers and since we had moved we hadn't found one close to our new home... that is until one day my observant hubby noticed one about 15 minutes away from our house while out running errands. I couldn't stop my tears for the entire trip there, it was just overwhelming, but when I realized what he was doing I couldn't help but smile at his thoughtfulness and laugh at whatever cheesy things he was saying to me. It seems a silly thing to get a sad wife ice-cream to make her happy, but J knows me best and he knows exactly how to make me smile and even laugh through my tears! I love him! He was the best person to have by my side for something so painful, we were/are each other's best therapists:o) So we hit the drive-thru and headed for home - simple, fast, and exactly what I needed to get out of my slump.
One night after picking my hubby up from work we were driving home, having another one of "those" moments. About to be in the depths of despair when suddenly a huge antelope (I think it was) awkwardly ran between some concrete barriers and across the freeway, right in front of us. It was a startle, but humorous in a strange way? Definitely changed the course of our emotions, and I welcome that change of course when it's one of those stubborn emotions that you know wants to stick around for awhile.
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| Flashing one of his dimples |
We truly do hold on to the Sovereignty of God though all this and are so thankful we can, because I get emotional just thinking about what I did leading up Lincoln's death that might have in some small way contributed to losing him. Why did I take the boys out and not stay home for 6 weeks, maybe they wouldn't have gotten RSV, which was just one more contribution to the high risk factor for SIDS; or why did I want to avoid a c-section if at all possible, had I just scheduled one like my doctor suggested Lincoln would have had a MUCH easier birth (not that a c-section was an option when it became necessary since the anesthesiologist disappeared?); or why didn't I behave better when on bed rest, could I not for the health of my babies lay on my left side more diligently to help my blood pressure stay down and allow just a few more days of growing and maturing for the 2 babies I was carrying? Having our air conditioner die and having a house that was hot and muggy (air flow is supposed to reduce the risk of SIDS) is another thing I think about; or running a fan that night (so maybe that DID help the airflow?) and even though he was right at the foot of our bed I have to wonder if he made any noise and did we just not hear it??? My hubby is certain it was peaceful with no hint of danger that would have alarmed us, but I STILL wonder! Even now as I type this I feel this sense of responsibility and it brings tears to my eyes. I won't list my hubby's feelings of contribution, but we both struggle with the feeling of blame from time to time (not to eachother, we knew instantly that blaming eachother was not an option, I couldn't even imagine the thought of making my hurting hubby hurt more by pointing fingers). We just have to rest in the attribute of God's Sovereignty, it is the only peace of mind either of us can have. Thank you Lord for being mightier than us, for knowing before the foundations of the world about our Lincoln and his early arrival to Heaven, for taking the pressure off of us with all the "what ifs" because You are God and You are Sovereign. You care for us and love us and Lincoln! The Creator of the entire ridiculously large universe! Makes me feel silly for thinking I could have changed the course You set for our lives, by doing a couple of things different.
Rev 21:4 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
